World No Tobacco Day is tomorrow and we all know what means. Come on, admit it. Aren’t you all bored of those sickeningly long anti-smoking ads before your favourite superhero movie? Don’t you get super annoyed when they ‘seriously’ talk of making the college canteen a non-smoking zone?
After all, those crazy activists don’t need another day to lecture the world about the ill-effects of smoking when there are people dying every second in every part of the world due to some disease or misfortune. And yet, in this age of democracy, they insist on shoving their ideology down your throat, and telling you how to live responsibly like an adult.
In case you’re feeling insecure, here’s five reasons why smoking is still cool and how to do it like a pro to live the life of your dreams.
5. All Your Heroes Did It: Always have a role model, they said. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. To be a hero, one must learn from them. Look at Frank Zappa or David Bowie’s musical talents. Or Albert Einstein’s genius. Or Churchill’s leadership. They all changed the world and inspired millions to do the same. So why not ape their smoking habits and be like them? Even if you can’t be like them, you will, at least, die like them.
4. That’s How You Save The Planet: You don’t save a planet till it’s adequately devastated. Of course, humanity has done a pretty good job at earth destruction, but why not speed up the pollution process, a bit by smoking a bit more? After all, cigarette smoke emits around 8 billion kilograms of green house gases every year.
3. That’s How You Rule The Planet: You need to make your people subservient and kill all the rebels, nicely. Tobacco farming is the ideal solution. Not only does it destroy 500,000 acres of forest cover annually, it prevents the feeding of 70% of the planet’s 28 million malnourished people.
2. It’s A Shortcut To That Superhuman Body: Your superhero body must be unique. Do you want to be a psychotic insomniac, with brittle bones and a disastrous sex life? Do you prefer wheezing to kissing? Do you think yellow teeth, bad breath and premature wrinkles will make you sexy? Do you want to go out with a whimper instead of a bang? By all means adopt a smoking life style. Heart attacks and cancer variants come for free.
1. That’s How You Make The World A Better Place : What’s the point of being a superhero if you can’t save those you love? Or rather, what’s the point of killing yourself, if you can’t drag the others into hell for company? Passive smoking, not love, is the most powerful weapon in the world.
So what are you waiting for? Shut up those activists with a spray of second hand smoke and planet earth is yours for taking.
This is my entry for the “World No Tobacco Day blogging contest” organized by Kolkata Bloggers and MANT.
For an in-depth feature on campus smoking, check out this article.